Look, we all know death and taxes are supposed to be life’s only certainties. But one Brazilian mayor just said “hold my guaraná” and decided to tackle the whole death thing head-on – by making it illegal.
Yes, you read that right. ILLEGAL. TO. DIE.
When Running Out of Space Gets Way Too Real
In Biritiba Mirim, a small farming town about 45 miles east of São Paulo, Mayor Roberto Pereira da Silva found himself in what might be the most bizarre civic crisis ever.
The town’s cemetery, which has been taking in residents since 1910, officially ran out of space.
We’re talking over 50,000 people already packed into 3,500 crypts and tombs, with absolutely nowhere else to go.
Things Got Dark… Literally
The situation got so desperate that 20 residents who passed away had to share crypts. Let that sink in for a minute. SHARE. CRYPTS.
It’s like the most morbid roommate situation ever, and even that’s not a long-term solution.
Why Can’t They Just Build More Space?
Here’s where things get complicated (and surprisingly environmental).
Biritiba Mirim isn’t just any town – it’s basically Brazil’s watercress capital, producing 90% of the country’s supply.
The town sits on top of an underground water source that serves about 2 million people in São Paulo.
Thanks to a 2003 decree by Brazil’s National Environment Council, they can’t build new cemeteries or expand existing ones in areas with high water tables or in preservation zones.
And cremation?
That’s a no-go too, thanks to environmental protection measures. It’s like playing Sim City on impossible mode.
The Mayor’s Totally-Not-Serious-But-Kind-Of-Genius Solution
In what might be the most attention-grabbing protest ever, Mayor da Silva proposed a bill asking residents to “take good care of your health in order not to die” and warned that “infractors will be held responsible for their acts.”
The best part?
The bill doesn’t even include a penalty for dying.
Like, what would that even look like? A posthumous fine? Ghost jail?
The Method Behind the Madness
Before you start thinking everyone in Biritiba Mirim has lost their minds, here’s the tea: it’s actually a brilliant marketing strategy.
As the mayor’s aide, Gilson Soares de Campos, explained, “Of course the bill is laughable, unconstitutional, and will never be approved.
But can you think of a better marketing strategy… to persuade the government to modify the environmental legislation that is barring us from building a new cemetery?”
Honestly? We can’t.
This might be the most creative way anyone has ever protested a government regulation, and we’re kind of here for it.
In the meantime, residents of Biritiba Mirim might want to start taking their vitamins. You know, just in case.
Editor’s Note: This article was sourced from original news reporting about Biritiba Mirim, Brazil.